


Villain Crackfic Comp

by Bonionoire



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Warriors
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Mild Language, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 15:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15439875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonionoire/pseuds/Bonionoire
Summary: A compilation of cracky oneshots and drabbles starring your favourite evil-doers by your's truly. Please prepare your bleach and mind soap kiddos, because anything and everything will go wrong!





	1. Campfire Calamity

**Author's Note:**

> This was written all the way back in October of 2017- the writing will not be as good as I usually have, but I hope you'll still get a kick out of it!
> 
> This was originally posted on FF.net too, like all my fics, save for crossovers.

Ganondorf thought that going on a camping trip in the Lost Woods with his fellow antagonists would be a good idea. He was wrong.

The villains were sitting around a campfire, and judging by the look on their faces also probably bored as hell. They thought it would be a fun idea to tell campfire stories to ease the night away(because nobody can sleep and has severe insomnia apparently). It had been Zant's turn - Unfortunately as good of a tactitian as Zant was, telling stories was clearly not in his forte.

Ganondorf stared disbelievingly at the twili.

"Are you kidding me?", he groaned

Zant remained silent.

Ghirahim was painting his fingernails with Cia(who was listening to Chandelier on her ShiekahPod), muttering something about goddess dogs and twigs under his breathe. Cia meanwhile was fantasizing about Link's oh-so-goooood chest and how very, very(so extremely so that you can't even BEGIN to imagine it) firm it must be.

"Zant, please promise me never to volunteer as storyteller again."

"I just some need practise-" he defended only to be cut off by the only one(aside from Cia who is not canon so she doesn't really count) to have any eyebrows whatsoever, and big ginger bushy ones at that.

"That was extremely boring and souless-"

"Just like you." chimed in Ghirahim, twirling a lock of Ganondorf's ginger hair between his fingers. Yuga hit him over the head with a paintbrush.

"Don't be an ass, you dumb-blonde!" Yuga chastised. He was very butthurt about gingers being referred to as "having no soul". He was a very butthurt person in general.

"First, I am not blonde-" he flipped his hair flamboyantly around, causing the previously nonexistant pink glitter to fly everywhere and even land in the fire, thus causing the fire to magically turn a bright ugly pink. A unicorn jumped out and chased Ganondorf and Vaati into the woods. "Second, I actually needed to use a dumb blonde's soul to fill in the void of one when I revived his predescessor."

Cia overheard the way those two miniture Kefkas were referring to blondes and stood up, her boobs bouncing up comically.

"I'll have you two freaks know that blondes are not dumb-!"

"But you're not even blonde! Why are you so butthurt?!" a confused Vaati yelled from the deeps of the Lost Woods, who had managed to chase away the unicorn with the help of a certain ginger. How nothing happened to them camping in this place(as in being transformed into a stalfos or something), we shall never know.

"Shut up midget, Link is-"

"Oh for Din's sake woman, enough with that welp!" Ganondorf grunted, not unlike a boar.

As the two Kefkas, midget(Levi from SnK anyone?), porkchop and big-boobed anime lady continued their barrage of hair colour myths - Malladus muttered under his breathe something about women and deku babas.

Zant proceeded to sit down and read a book, the only light source was pink thanks to that goddamn prostitute and his gay rainbow-filled heart. Volga came back from the woods, because earlier he left since Zant's story was so boring. Unfortunately(for him) since no one can see his eyes and therefore he can't see anything he deeply inhaled one of the pink glitter ashes - causing him to start choking hysterically, and cough up pink fire.

Wizzro peeked over Zant's shoulder, his one red eye opened widely. He skimmed his eye other the pages, trying to make sense of what Zant was reading.

_I couldn't decide if his face was beautiful or not. I suppose the features were perfect._

Wizzro was puzzled, until he remembered that one night in Cia's bedroom where they all(except Ganondorf because he is that mature, annoyed father-figure who always cooking eggs  _without_ bacon) challenged eachother to read cringey books. From what he remembered, Ghirahim got Fifty Shades of Grey, Zant got The Shadow God and Wizzro got-

 _ **Twilight.**_ (you know it's serious when both bold and italic are used)

Wizzro let out a bloodcurdling shriek upon realizing his mistake of peeping over the twili's shoulder. How could Zant  _look_  at such a thing, let alone  _read_ it! That book was known to mentally scar anyone who read it!

Zant screamed in response to Wizzro's god-awful shriek which began to extend far beyond the normal hearing capablities of any living creature. The book fell out of his shaking hands and into the fire.

The two Kefkas, midget, porkchop and rabid fangirl stopped their bickering and ran over to the sight of the tragic incident. Ganondorf and Vaati's eyes starting to tear up due to some of the embers from the pink fire getting stuck in their eyes while Volga went into the woods to relieved himself his pink predicament.

But then.. (cue Ghirahim raising his arms in melodramatic fashion)

From the ashes of the book..

Emerged the powerful, ferocious..

_**Edward Cullen** _

Edward looked down upon the group of villains, his sparkling radiance shone up to high heaven. Then Rihanna's Diamond began to play at an earsplitting volume in an instance, causing Veran to die from a heart attack, while Onox was reduced to mere ashes.

Ganondorf shrieked like a little girl that had just seen a clown(funny enough he didn't shriek at Yuga or his dad Kefka), while Vaati's eyes were watering uncontrollably and felt horribly itchy especially since he couldn't scratch his eyes or else he would go blind(actually, that may not be so bad of an idea right now).

Zant went to the fire and bowed down to  _ **Saint Edward, King of the Sparkling Fairy Vampires that decide the fates of all Living Things**_.

Ghirahim looked up, his eye pupils shrinking so much you would need a microscope to see them.

"He stole my song-!" Demon Prostitute Miley Cyrus wailed.

"Twilight was first published on October 5th in the year 2005 while the first movie was released on December 3rd in the year 2008, making the book six years older than our debut game, the Legend of Zelda; Skyward Sword that was released-"

said Demon Prostitute Miley Cyrus turned around to face a blue and purple(like his undereyes) girl who's facial expressions were about as diverse as Kirsten Stewart's. Wait... Edward... Was Fi actually Bella?

"Why, hello there bored-as-hell-cute-little-blue-will o' the wisp-who-is-actually-a-robot-and-may-or-may-not-be-my-sister!" Ghirahim said with false confidence, performing a bow.

Meanwhile Zant was busy nibbling the fungal-infection off of Edward Cullen's toes. Yuga turned toward Cia. He then proceeded to drag her off by the arm and into the Lost Woods where Saria's Song played itself endlessly on repeat like a broken record. Cia didn't retaliate whatsoever. Infact she kept up with the ginger who had just offended the IQ capacity of blondes a bit earlier.

Zant couldn't tell stories, Ganon and Vaati had nearly been impaled by a unicorn and  _ **Saint Edward, King of the Sparkling Fairy Vampires that decide the fates of all Living Things**_ had come, while Diamond by Rihanna that was actually written by Sia(Cia) was playing at earsplitting volume while Ghirahim was trying to socialise with his sister who if she had a human form and stole his cape probably could pass off as Mikasa Ackerman.

But then..

Just when all hope had been lost...

_**THAT WRETCHED GODDESS DOG CAME IN AND RUINED EVERYTHING!** _

* * *

The audience of liars, murderers, and no eyebrows except for one guy with bushy ones and a non-canon gurl with small white ones - Looked up in disbelief as the stripper had unfortunately slipped into his habit of screaming out his nickname for Impa(who actually likes cats just so you know) along with her apparently ruining something(I wonder what...) just after a dramatic pause, spreading his arms out like he was trying to grow wings(or maybe hug Demise). Zant slowly looked David Bowie in the eyes and said;

"You know I absolutely hate Twilight."

Ghirahim let down his arms, and smile deviously at Zant.

"I am aware."

Ganondorf grunted like a pig and he felt a sleeping Vaati fall onto his lap, right on those huge, muscular thighs-

"Could somebody get him off of me?" Ganondorf asked. Nobody raised their hand. A high feminine voice inquired;

"Can I take a picture?"

"Fine."

Yuga stepped out from the crowd of misfits and got out his ShiekahPhone9000, preparing to take a pic. The sound of crickets could be heard chirping in the background. Volga breathed fire on a twig and watched it burn. It was satisfying. Ganondorf soon realised that the camera sound effect hadn't played. He waited a bit more until he realised what his miniture apparent lovechild with Kefka was doing. He was taking a video. And that was weird. Like why?

A smug, slender smile crossed Yuga's red lips.

He quickly scurried off into the woods.

"Well, goodnight everyone." Wizzro said, despite being an entity that could not comprehend the feeling of sleep because he was pretty much a ring-

* * *

_Meanwhile in Middle Earth_

Gollum howled pitifully. He had lost his precious. After he had miraculously survived the fall into lava, he found himself a new ring. Now it was gone. Those filthy Bagginses!

* * *

After few long, drawn out moments that felt even longer than the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy - Yuga had returned. He budged his apparent half-sibling by Kefka into the seating area(and that was the dirty, smudged ground that said sibling wanted nowhere near his white stripper outfit) and pressed on something. He(who up until Hyrule Warriors Legends could have passed off as a strange female) then showed the ShiekahPhone9000 out for everyone to see.

The video had been edited so that Careless Whisper was playing in the background with red roses bordering the screen completed with cringey Japanese lines littering the screen.

_"Ganondorufu oni-sama!"_

_"Aishite!"_

_"Anata ga aishiteru!"_

Ganondorf covered his face with his palm, shaking his head. Of course he shouldn't have let Yuga take a pic or in this case vid.

"Aw hell yeah, Ganon x Vaati!" Malladus laughed.

"I shall now go and write a glorious fanfic to honor the wonderful masterpiece that has been made!" Ghirahim then proceeded to take out his Banana Laptop and open up notepad, before noticing the state of his clothing.

"...Why would you do this to my God?" Zant wailed. He could never get the image out of his mind now. Thanks alot Yuga!

Then Demise came out of the bushes and was singing You're Welcome from Moana - Now that I think about it, he does kinda look like the lovechild of Maui and Te Ka...

_The more you know_

They all stared at him, except for you-know, who just ran up to demonic Maui and wrapped his arms around him. Then Careless Whisper began playing loudly(but not that horrible aformentioned earsplitting volume that accompanied Diamond that was actually written by Cia not Sia for Rihanna). Ganondorf picked up the still sleeping minish and carried him off to their shared tent. Very faintly, Malladus whispered;

"Off to the Master Bedroom, where all the magic happens."

Which cost him a punch to the face from Zant.

Cia looked grossed out at the whole event of Ghirahim(who was affectionately called Gigi - pronounced  _JeeJee_ , by Demise/Demonic Maui) being rocked back and forth in Demise' arms, gently lulling(not LOLling) the hyperactive and very insomniac demon sword to sleep. She was even more grossed out when the Devil himself licked Gigi's forehead with that huge black tongue as a grotesque form of a goodnight kiss.

"In all my years of watching..." She muttered disdainfully under her breath.

Soon, everyone went to their tents(Unfortunately for Yuga, Maui had squidged in with him and Gigi) and more-or-less fell asleep...

Except for Zant of course. Thanks Yuga!

_You're Welcome!_


	2. A Good Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I'm going to be totally honest, I don't even know what on earth this story is supposed to be- just kinda went with whatever I thought best... whatever best means ( o v o;)

After a long day of burning villages, kidnapping princesses and getting killed and sealed away by a certain twink, Ganondorf fell back in his recliner and prepared himself for a long nap. There should be a good few hours before some of the others retur-

Dark Link came crashing in through the hallways, dragging a boy in a rabbit suit behind. Just great- the little bastard didn't even wipe his feet before coming in!

"Oi Ganondad- 'dis mah man Ravioli, can 'e stay over?" Dank Link said with a heavy cockney accent.

"N-"

"Thanks man, you da best!"

Ganondork didn't even get a chance to retaliate when Dank Link ran down another hallway with the poor boy who was just barely standing. Shortly thereafter you could hear crashing, a cat yowling and a dragon breathing fire.

Ganondwarf had to find a place to nap, or else tomorrow there would be no one there to destroy Hyrule. Unthinkable!

Gannyman picked himself up and headed for the master bedroom(where all the magic happens), surely nobody would disturb him there! It was at the top of the highest tower, had many traps to evade and smelled like chocolate. When GamingDwarf finally got to the top, he smashed his head right into a pillow and was about to sleep when-

"THAT WRETCHED GODDESS DOG IS AT IT AGAIN!"

Ganondorf snapped his head up at the window.

Right there, perched on the narrow windowsill of the only window at the top of the highest tower that had many traps to evade and smelled of chocolate... was Ghirahim. In a tacky dress-up fairy costume that you'd find in a store. Skirt and wand included.

"MASTER YOU MUST HELP US- SHE MADE RAISIN COOKIES INSTEAD OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!" Ghirahim was screeching so horribly loud you could hear him all the way to the Mushroom Kingdom, it's a wonder that nobody got deaf or turned into a pile of ash right then and there.

This was a serious situation. Normally Ghirahim would tell him trivial things like Zant snapped his neck or Cia was swinging from a chandelier, but this time, it was urgent.

"That's it- this the third time this week she's done it, and I've HAD IT!" Sir Bacon jumped of the bed and dashed to the windowsill. "But how do you plan to get us down?"

"SIMPLE, WE CALL TINGLE!" David Bowie's voice was starting to crack by this point.

"BING DINGADING, TINGLE DO YOUR THING!"

All the birds in the area- loftwings with riders included, immediately flew off in the direction of Death Mountain, and willingly threw themselves into the crater of the volcano to end their suffering- and all before you could say spaghetti.

Somewhere off in the distance, you could see Tingle rising up high into the sky- but unfortunately he was speared on the beak of a loftwing who was headed to Death Mountain, and thus perished the firey pit.

Ganondorf didn't give the scene so much as a glance.

"Oh no, he died- WELL THAT'S NOT IDEAL!"

"Never liked the bloke anyway- never payed his taxes." Ganondad was picking his ubsurdly short nails, eventually he got frustrated with being unable to pick them and turned to his sparkly lieutenant. "Now, how do you suppose we get down? I am not going through all those traps again."

Suddenly the demonic male powerpuff girl snatched the King of Evil's hand. Black eyes stared into golden ones. Without warning the drag queen flipped Ganondorf outside, dangling.

"Brother,  _why?_ " Gannyman pleaded, a bit OOC for him but meh.

Ghirahamsandwich began to slowly lean over, and whispered into ~~Mufasa~~ Ganondorf's pointed ear.

"Long. live. the.  _kiiing_." he rew out his words and his voice was lower than Ganondork had ever heard before.

And with that, he let go.

He let go.

...and GamingDwarf was still clinging onto Gigi's wrists. Gigi promptly shook his wrists and viola- off fell the Gerudo King!

"Hm, high time I examine his diary. I bet he has a recipe for chocolate chip cookies there!"

Meanwhile good ol' porkchop here was falling from about four hundred and twenty stories, screaming at the top of his lungs.

* * *

"Ooooooh- another one, and this time it's shiny!"

"Oi lemme see it."

Yesterday Stritch and Agitha set out to collect the  _finest_ bugs in all the world, but unfortunately complications arose when Demise threw a hissy fit about them searching in his garden and teleported them right in the middle of the Lost Woods and thus they couldn't get back home. But that was all good, after all, with nobody around to catch these bugs for years they must have grown noice and big.

Stritch clambered up the tree to join Agitha. Infact, he had unkowingly just climbed up the corpse of the first Deku Tree. They could see everything from up here. Including a shooting star falling from the top of Ganondorf's Super-duper Huge Fortress that's over fourhundred and twenty stories high.

Agitha gasped, and pointed at the falling object.

"Look Stritch- a shooting star!"

"Eh, where?"

Unfortunately, due to the fact the castle was really far away, the "star" in question looked very small and there was a significant height difference between the two, Stritch couldn't see where she was pointing.

Agitha tried to scoot up right beside him so she could see it from his point of view.

"There!"

"Where?"

"I said there-" Agitha was starting to get frustrated at her accomplice.

"I can't see it-"

"IT'S RIGHT THERE YA TWIT!"

Stritch angled himself a bit, and  _then, FINALLY_ he saw it!

"Oh. Noice." he said nonchalantly, and went back to searching for bugs.

Agitha was gobsmacked. He got to see a shooting star(apparently she didn't know shooting stars usually aren't visible during the day and don't fall directly from huge four hundred and twenty story high buildings), and all he could say was  _noice?_

"DO YA NOT KNOW WHATTA DO WHEN YA SEE A SHOOTING STAR?!  _ **YA MAKE A WISH!**_ " I have no idea how she managed to make her statement both bold and italic, but somehow she did.

Stritch briefly cast her a glance.

"Where I come from, we wish upon bugs."

* * *

Ganondork was still falling, and still yelling. Three minutes in and he was already halfway down the length of the complex.

Was this the end? Was he going to die? I mean, he's been killed like more than seven times already and shouldn't be contemplating the end of his life by this point, and he can't be killed by anything other than the Master Sword- but hey, let's have him contemplate.

He sincerely wished he could have told Cia how to bake chocolate chip cookies- but alas, with him gone, who will teach her now?

And then Sir Bacon here remembered he had the Triforce of Power. Like seriously dude, you could have gotten yourself out of this mess earlier if you took a good look at your right hand while you were picking your short stubby nails.

But unfortunately he was too late and came crashing down into the comedically small backyard surrounded by a white picket fence with one of those round blue kiddy-pools with a yellow rim that never have enough water and what water there was had been splashed out by your little cousins... and landed on poor Ravio.

Not much remained of the kid after the collision, but he would always be remembered.

"Ganondaaaad- ya keeled Ravio! Aw, bummer." said a disappointed Dank Lonk.

He had just been playing a game of frizbee with the heat-stroken boy in a rabbit suit when Ganonman just crashed down. Apparently none of them heard the loud yells and decided to actually get out the way.

Impa came rushing out into the backyard, tripped down the stairs from the patio, then kept running. She miraculously tossed the beefy nine foot tall black man aside and checked for Ravio. All that was left was his nose. That's it. A small button nose.

Impa slowly looked up at the window of the highest tower in the castle, and found a certain demon skimming through Ganondorf's diary. She leapt up and began to scale the four hundred and twenty story building.

What followed afterwards... was not very pleasant. After he returned from the hospital, Ghirahim was told to sit in his room and think about what he did and Impa was fired for lacing the cookies with raisins.

Dank Lunk buried Ravio's nose in the cemetery to commemorate him. Within three days of being buried, from the seed that was his nose Ravio- the almighty bunny boi rose from his grave... and proceeded to search about for his rabbit suit.

Dank Lank had come to visit the grave once more, with a bouquet of wilted dandelions because he read somewhere that rabbits like those, when he saw a truly glorious sight!

Ravio himself rising from the grave infront of his own eyes, dressed in a chicken suit and looking absolutely astonishing.

"Ravio!" Dank Link was beyond thrilled to see his friend of five hours that he barely knew alive and well.

Ravio looked at him liked he was the sun. And by that I mean his face contorted to look like a raisin. There was a long pause and the sound of crickets chirping.

"Mah name's Jeff."

Silence once more.

"Wha?" he scrunched his face up a bit, trying to make sense of what he just heard.

"I said my name's Jeff." Ravio began muttering something under his breath. "Mah mama named me Jeff, it was only after she left me in the custody of a pasta maker I was named Ravio- after ravioli, of course."

"Oh, then hi Jeff- I missed ya!" he just acted like nothing happened at all.

"Bruh, we didn't even know eachother for five hours. You just brough me to your house and we played frizbee- before I got killed by that beefy bloke landing on me."

"Ah yea mate, sorry 'bout dat- mah homie Ghirahamsandwich kinda threw him off the building- the guy's a bit odd if I'm honest with ya."

After that weird conversation, Dank Lonk returned Ravioli- I mean Jeff, to his house; and as it turns out Jeff's legal guardian is none other than Mama Luigi himself.

After an awkward conversation and having Ravio- I MEAN JEFF- being scolded with the typical "that's Mama Lugi to you" quote when he simply called him Luigi, Dankiest Lunk made his way back home.

And as he did, out of the woods sprang Agitha and Stritch- the police had been searching for them for days since they were declared missing.

"Oi where the 'ell 'ave ya been- the entire town's looking everywhere for ya!"

Both of them looked like an utter mess.

Stritch's trousers were now practically shorts, he had a literal birdsnest woven in his bowlcut and his cloak was now a bib.

Agitha's dress was missing it's sash and sleeves and a good chunk of the skirt, her shoes and tights were absolutely drenched in mud and if you thought Stritch's hair was bad, then Agitha's is beyond horrendous. Leaves and twigs were strewn about it, it was beyond knotty, most of it was stained brown with mud and there was a small pink ocarina wedged into one of the pigtails.

They also smelled horrible too.

"We went on a quest to find the best bugs ever," Stritch explained. "when we ended up in Demise' garden. Long story short, he got pissed, teleported us in the middle of the Lost Woods. We ended up falling down some tree, there was a bendy corridor, some creep with a mask was there, we got changed into these wood people, made our way out, the guy who sells those tacky masks around Halloween was there and asked us to get something for him. At first we thought 'okay, so we just needa get sumthin' for this fine gentleman' but then it turned out he wanted this weird heart-shaped mask- I think it was called Margaret or something like that?"

Stritch took some time to breathe, before continuing.

"Yeah- then we said 'hell naw', made our way out, found this village of kids, got changed back, managed to anger this green-haired girl and she threw an ocarina at us and now here we are."

"Wow- sounds like something mah man Link went through-"

"Which Link, there's like a million Links in this town." Stritch asked.

"I think it was mah man Time, yea-"

"CAN WE JUST GET TO THE POLICE STATION ALREADY?!" Agitha had it up to here with these dweebs- she wasn't too keen on being out here any longer.

They brought them to the Police Station, filled out all the necessary forms and whatnot and got the pair back home. An arrest warrant had been issued for Demise Mauison, but he threatened them with calling his bud Magaret or something to bring down the moon- they were about to carry on when a Link Time came running, begging them not to do it.

It was a complicated affair and eventually, much to the chagrin of Agitha's mother, the great fairy Cotera, and essentially everyone else in the town, the arrest warrant was appealed.

Dark Link returned home, told the rest of his housemates about the news, and afterwards promptly sat down and played Mortal Kombat for a good while.

All in all, it was a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a mess, a *beautiful* mess in my opinion, but still...
> 
> Dine save your poor souls.


	3. Childhhod Stories - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the villains tell all their childhood lifestories.

They were all sitting around the long dining room table. Dinner was an awkward affair, seeing as none of them were very comfortable with eachother. They all knew what crimes their neighbour had commited, and some were worse than others.

Despite some having lived with eachother for so long, no one actually knew anything about their comrades' personal lives before their turn to the darkside, or the path that lead them to it- okay, to be fair, everyone was actually in it for the cookies, but that doesn't sound as cool.

It was then, a voice with a thick New Zealand accent spoke up.

"So, how were all your childhoods?"

Everyone stared at Zant like he had three heads, or looked like an alien. The cricket that had been chirping in the background all this time had gotten his children to join in for chirping-practise, making it even more awkward.

"Zant, are you daft?", Ganondorf spat, so hard a piece of mash potato flying out and hitting Majora square in the face.

Majora mumbled something about a moon and went to the bathroom to clean him- herself(?) up. This time, all the crickets in Hyrule were chirping, until Majora came back and shot them a dirty look; as dirty as a mask with tentacles could atleast. They didn't bother them after that.

"Do you realize the horrible traumatic events these people had to go through to become some of Hyrule's worsts?"

"Well, I thought it could be a sorta bonding experience... ya know..."

Ganondorf opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Volga.

"Well, ya see, my momma was this big fiery dragon- Volvagia if ya remember- and she met this weird ass bloke called the Dragonborn. He was an adventerous sorta type, and was half dragon. My momma and him got talking, and after a good few weeks he became her boyfriend."

He paused to take a sip of water, then continued.

"Ya see, at some point things really weren't going well and they split. I was three and climbing a tree when it happened; she chased him outta the backdoor and said she hoped he'd take an arrow to the knee- whatever that means.

"Then, me and mom moved to this bigass volcano 'cuz Ganondad over here-" he gestured to Ganondorf with that glass of water he was still holding, the contents threating to spill.

"had hired her to eat those rocky bois 'cos they weren't listening to him. Sadly, momma was killed by that nasty green midget named Link. I'll always miss how she bragged about not taking an arrow to the knee because she didn't have one."

The beserker pursed his lips and nodded solemnly at the end, and if he wasn't wearing that helmet, you could have seen him raising both his brows a bit.

"Well," Ganondorf said, "anyone else?"

Immediately atleast five hands shot up.

"Alright, Vaati you go on."

The albino minish took a deep breath.

"I'm pretty sure everybody knows that at some point I was under the supervision of Ezlo, but before that, I was one of the two children between Tinkerbell and Dracula. My brother being, Edward Cullen,"

There was an uproar about the mentioning of that accursed name. Vaati took a deep sigh. This always happened when he told people that Edward was his brother.

"-shame really, he was all good until... nevermind."

Everyone starting asking questions about what happened, but he paid no heed, and continued.

"Me and Eddy would always go back and forth between our parents' houses, so we experienced both sides of our heritage. My mother, Tink, used to work with this boy who looked an awful lot like Link; whenever he came over and told us about all the amazing places he'd been and the things he collected, afterwards mum would tell us he was a bad influence and that no matter what, we should never take his offer to go with him.

"But of course, we did- he said it was only for the weekend but it ended up being an entire month. While I was there, I learned that there were alot of nasty people in the world- Hook, for instance- and it got me curious on what made them tick. You see, mum always sheltered us, so when Peter told us about all the nasty things people do to eachother- well, I was hooked!"

Ganondorf's face- and that of a few others- scrunched up in confusion, aside from a certain white haired bloke who seemed to be enjoying himself.

"How the hell does one get 'hooked' on learning about all the horrifying things people do- even though I wasn't that sheltered, when I found out I was scared and disgusted- although, now would be different matter..." he trailed off, his brows still scrunched together.

"Well, you see Ed was scared outta his mind- but for me there was something, alluring, about the subject. How does one muster up all the hatred and depravity to willingly do such things? So when we returned- when I was at Ezlo's, in between the sessions I would read book after book on these subjects- history books were the ones I frequented the most,"

His comrades listened with tilted heads and narrowed eyes. They started to get a little, interested. The way he described his decent down that path, he said it with a passion. Except for Ganondorf, who was shaking his head the whole time.

"... eventually, by the time I had really gotten the grips of sorcery, I was mentally a long way down that path. What once shocked me had become commonplace in my thoughts, and when I got bored with it, I searched for more. I think everybody here knows the rest of the story so I don't have to go into detail with that," he brushed away the end with a wave of his hand.

Everyone was quiet. Ganondorf shook his head. Ghirahim had his hands clasped together and licked his lips, slowly nodding.

"You see, my mother and father were Orochimaru and Lady Gaga- they were a beautiful couple, but things really didn't go to well so they sent me off to live with good old uncle Kefka,"

"Wait, who one earth thinks sending their child to live with Kefka is actually a good idea?" Ganondorf asked in disbelief.

"Orochimaru and Lady Gaga, that's who- NOW WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO THE REST OF THE STORY!" Ghirahim punctuated the last part with a dramatic flair of his arms.

"Okay, so Kefka had a son, Yuga over here; and we pretty much became brothers or whatever else you call the platonic relationship between a boy and a genderless being both raised by the same deranged person,"

"But who on earth did Kefka have a son with- I know it's been years since we last talked but when I asked, he just danced around the question-"

Yuga bit his lip and licked his lips. He closed his eyes and pursed his lips, inhaling while doing so.

"Ganondorf, remember when you sent your sister Nabooru to live with Kefka because he lived closest to the university she was studying at? Well..." he murmered.

The King of Evil started to laugh, long and hard in disbelief. What a stupid story! But then it hit him, and his laughter halted. Dear Din no.

He inspected Yuga's features. As expected; there was definitely some Kefka in there, but he could also pick out some features that he himself had possesed in his youth, he and his sister, that is...

"That's it. I'm going to kill him.", and with that, Ganondorf stormed out of the hall eventually out of the house. But he had forgotten to take a baseball bat- not that he'd really need one- and returned shortly thereafter... and went off again.

After a long silence without cricket sounds, Ghirahim spoke up.

"Shall I continue?"

Most of the people sort of mumbled in agreement, except for Onox who was bored out of his mind.

"We went to this school in Lavender Town- the creepypasta version- run by Jeff and Slendy. Took an hour to drive there, and we had to deal with Kefka swearing in italian everytime the car broke down- and let me tell you, the car broke down  _alot_.

"I also met Zant during the short period of time he lived there. We were learning all this stuff about murder, how to stalk and the whatnot,"

You could see a glint in his eyes as he recalled learning all the techniques, and even practising them on his peers.

"-in fourth grade I bit the arm of one of my classmates so hard I broke his bone!", his tongue flickered out as he recalled the taste. "He was making fun of my small ear, and that day we were taught how to bite effectively- so I grabbed his arm, and crushed it with my jaws. He tasted great."

Just across the table, Dark Link rose up.

"Oi mate, that was me and ya forgot ta mention I was three!"

After the confusion of how a three year old managed to get into a fourth grade class died down, everyone gave Ghirahim a funny look.

"Hey, don't give me that  _holier-than-thou_  attitude- you've all done worse stuff and enjoyed it too!"

"I don't think anyone else broke the bone of a three year old by biting when they were ten because the kid was making fun of their ear, and drank up some of the blood too, Ghirahim." Cia commented with much disgust.

"He was being a wretched little brat-", the demon spat.

"'m sorry, Gigi- I rea'ly am!", Dark Link groaned.

"Does anyone see what I've had to put up with?" Yuga grumbled as he went back to drawing, chewing on a piece of broccoli.

"He was old enough to know better!"

"Ghirahim your excuses are insufferable- and I can say that when you were three you weren't much better!"

" Cia, your go!" Zant pleaded, not wanting to hear any more of those two bickering.

"One thing I can tell you is that I have the displeasure of being related to these idiots- Ghirahim in particular- but I have no idea how since our family tree is very large and complicated, with more than one case of incest."

Before anyone could ask any questions- not Ganondorf, though, as he was off on a man-hunt for Kefka-; she clapped her hands together, and began.

"Alright, so me and my twin sis Lana-"

"Hold up-" Malladus interjected.

"I swear, if you become the new Ganondorf..." Majora trailed off, mentioning something about a mechanical goat- or was it a bull?

"-isn't Lana just whatever was left of your good nature condensed into a person?"

"And isn't Yuga from Lorule and couldn't possibly have been Kefka's son or Ghirahim's foster-brother? Let's be real here- we're all supposed to be dead in the first place so clearly none of this made sense since the beginning-"

"Technically in some games Ganon is only sealed-"

"Me and my twin sister Lana, Malladus, were raised by this woman called Rosalina who was some kind of aunt. She was neat, had an observatory, read as a story about a girl who was clearly her and was friends with all these chubby baby stars.

"One day, I was checking through the telescope and saw this  _noice_  looking boy with a green shirt and blonde hair. He had a floppy hat and a killer sword to boot! I asked our foster-mother who that was and she said his name was Link, and that he was one of many Links.

"But, because Rosalina was a hardcore ZeLink shipper, she said for me not to be getting any thoughts. Of course, I did get thoughts and told them to Lana, who in turn got her own set of thoughts; and Lana, being the blabbermouth she is, told the Lumas, who in turn... told Rosalina."

She exhaled through her nose, and bit into a piece of chicken.

"She then went on to go on a rant about how you shouldn't ship yaoi, yuri or anything that didn't fit her views, and that her ships were the best and she explained why- reminds me of some people I see these days.

"That night, I prayed that somebody would whisk me away, and that it would be a man in green. I got my wish... except it was Tingle. He broke into the house and made off with some expired milk, an old towel and me. He showed me around the world... with his small red balloon. We got blown around. Alot.

"When I could no longer bear drinking expired milk and drying myself with a scrap of a towel every time I fell into a lake because Tingle's grip wasn't strong enough- I decided to run away and find my knight!"

The last part inspired a series of bored moans and sighs from her companions. She ignored them, and continued.

"And that I did, except it was CBeebies' Mike the Knight- don't ask how I managed to stumble into  _that_  territory. He was quite charming, but also very loud and often quite arrogant," she gave Ghirahim a disapproving glance.

"Is that why you call me Mike sometimes?"

Cia ignored him, and continued.

"and his dragons were annoying as hell, they just never shut up! Eventually after I had enough, I went searching for my green-clad fairy boy; you get the point by now, I did and it was Peter Pan-"

"Oh, so  _you_ were the girl that Peter warned us not to tell Wendy about.", Vaati said, like all the questions in the universe finally had all their answers revealed to him. The only ones he paid attention to were how murderers managed to get away with their feats, of course.

Cia's looked at him like he was the sun- if you look somewhat in the general direction of the sun on a nice day you'll understand.

"No, I was the girl you tried to hit on by showing all your knowledge on horrific torture methods-  _that_ woman was actually your mother, Tinkerbell."

A number of gasps were sounded in the room. Vaati looked devestated; apparently knowing all the answers in the universe meant knowing this too.

"Why else did you stay there as long as you did, and that upon returning home Tink hadn't called the police?"

Vaati broke down into a sobbing fit, while Majora did its best to comfort the small albino man. Cia just carried on without as much of a second glance.

"So anyway, at some point I got kidnapped by Hook and was held for ransom; but Peter being the little backstabbing-jerk that he is didn't pay it. I was about to be tossed over the edge and fed to that hungry crocodile that kept making this ticking sound that was driving me up the wall- but then,"

"THE GODDESS DOG ESCAPED WITH THE GIRL!"

Everyone stared at Ghirahim, who was currently having a mental-breakdown. Zant had gotten up and started to soothe him by rubbing circles around his shoulders.

"The goddess dog, please no..."

Zant shushed him and continued.

"All I said was-" Cia stammered.

"I know, but everytime you say 'it'," Zant's voice was barely above a whisper now.

"Ya mean like 'and then' or 'but then'-"

Immediately Ghirahim spazzed out and ended up sobbing on Zant's shoulder, smearing malice-goop all over the twili's sleeve. Zant shot Dark Link a dirty look, and went back to consoling the shaking demon.

Just then Demise walked into the room in his dressing gown, mug of boiling coffee in hand.

"What in my evil name is going on here?!", he demanded.

"Somebody said  _the phrase._ ", Zant once again shot Dark Link a look that could kill.

Demise shook his head, and took a sip of his coffee.

"Simple mistake, really- 'specially considering the lad ain't the brightest."

"'ey! I'm called 'Dark Link' and not 'Bright Link' 'or a reason!" The rather offended doppelganger retorted.

"ARE NONE OF YOU AWARE THAT GHIRAHIM'S HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN, RIGHT INFRONT OF YOUR EYES?!" Zant gave them both a look so full of heat it could melt a hole through the earth. Demise simply took another sip of his coffee in response.

"Eh, he's always having a mental breakdown. So, what's for breakfast?"

"Demise, you overslept until six o'clock in the evening. It's dinner time, and by this point the food is cold-"

"NO, MY FOOD IS COOOOOOOLD!", Ghirahim wailed, eyeliner streaking down his face. Onox was covering his ears as he stormed out of the dining hall. He poked his head out of the door just before he left.

"Anyone wanna join me in the living room?" He yelled, trying to make himself heard over the demon's shrieks.

Within minutes, the dining hall was empty save for Zant, Ghirahim, and Demise Mauison. In the livingroom, everyone took a seat. On the coffee table, was a fruitbowl filled with lemons that had a single word written in cursive that either spelt "lemon" or "demon" on each of them.

"Cia, you may continue." Onox motioned.

"Alright, so when I was about to be tossed over the side, Rosalina herself swooped in and saved my doomed ass. After taking me back to the observatory and telling me how worried she was- she turned around and said that because I had feelings for Link, and that I would ruin her ship, she said she had talked to Hylia about making me protect the Triforce and time itself so that I'd stay out the way!"

She smacked her thigh in disbelief on the last line.

"As you can see, didn't really work out all too well."

Ganondorf slammed open the door, and trudged in. His baseball bat had been broken in half and he was covered in scrapes and bruises from head to toe.

"Oi Uncle Ganon, you found my dad?" Yuga said with disinterest.

"Don't talk to me right now!" Ganondorf retorted. His voice was raspy and his breathing was heavy.

"...So you didn't?"

The King of Evil only grunted in response, as he headed upstairs for bed.

"Wait- what was your childhood like?"

"NO-"

"Please, didn't Zant say this was a bonding experience?" Yuga put on his best puppy eyes, which weren't very good and were actually bloody well terrifying.

"Well judging by Ghirahim screaming in the dining room, it didn't go as planned!" And with that, Ganondorf made his way up the four-hundred and twenty stories filled with traps, dead ends and the smell of chocolate. Shortly thereafter, there was the sound of crashing, something being set on fire and the shriek of a remlit. A dishevelled Ganondorf trudged back down the stairs. "You know what, that actually sounds like good idea at the moment."

And so he slumped down on an armchair, picked up one of the cursive-coated lemons and bit in.

"No wonder he's so sour." Vaati muttered. Everyone except Malladus winced, as he went ahead and tried one for himself.

Shortly after biting into it, he got a napkin and spat the accursed fruit into it.

"Disgusting."

"Settle around, you all." Everyone leaned toward the armchair. The fireplace that hadn't been lit three seconds ago was now ablaze, lighting up Ganondorf sitting upright on his armchair, hands in the steeple pose.

"Now, when I was a boy, I didn't know what a fish was. Never seen one in my life... until I was given a book for my birthday. It had a fish in it, and from then on, I made up my mind that I would find a fish."

The mood was perfect, their King's form intimidating, his voice low and raspy... and here he was, talking about wanting a fish.

"There were no boys' bathrooms or dressing-rooms in Gerudo Valley, so I got used to the female form, and eventually I was desensitized. I just wanted a fish. A fish I tell you! Fish were so much more alluring than women, fish were-"

"Woah, woah, WOAH!" Vaati cried out. "Are you saying, you had a fish fetish?"

"Fish-fascination- now shut up and let me go on!", Ganondorf snapped.

"So you see, one day a traveller had wandered into our valley. In Gerudo fashion, he was locked up for simply being within fifty feet of the fortress. One night, I went down to his cell and asked him if he had ever seen a fish. He laughed at me. So then I threatened him with crushing every bone in his body- mind you I was twelve and already taller than him-, so then he said 'yes'.

"I asked him to draw a picture of a fish, and when he said he couldn't draw- I gave him  _the look._ He drew the most amazing fish I had ever seen in my life- infact, I've still got it!"

Ganondorf dug through his pockets for the picture. When he found it, he pulled it out and held it for everyone to see.

"That looks like a two year old done it!" Yuga cried, looking appalled. He picked up one of the lemons, poked a hole and squirted the juice in his eye to cleanse his eyes of that atrocity. Majora lead the screaming lorulian to the bathroom the clean out his eyes.

Ganondorf paid no heed, and carried on.

"I put it in a frame and hung it up on my wall. I looked at it every night before I went to bed. I knew, that someday, I would see a fish. Once I had offically been crowned King or the Gerudo, an all out civil war in Hyrule started shortly after-"

"I thought we were talking about childhoods- not lifestories!" Majora said, having just left the bathroom with Yuga in tow.

"My house, my rules!"

He cleared his throat, and continued.

"And for the first time in my life- I saw a fish! A real, live, fish. Not to mention, there were a tribe of fish-people called the Zora- imagine how amazing that must have been for someone who only  _just_ got to see a fish!"

There was silence. Cia had been busy picking her nails, when she looked up.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that- won't you saying something about how none of our childhoods made sense while the entirety of yours was simply obsessing over a fish? What happened to 'Zant, don't you have any idea what traumatic events these people had to go through why would you ask that yadayada'?" She said with a roll of her eyes, and went back to picking her nails.

"I'll have you know I left out the discrimination my kind faced from hylians, the heat and droughts that plagued the desert, how sometimes we barely had any food or how I felt being the only male in a tribe full of women. Oh, and how could I forget people dropping dead left, right and center?" Ganondorf snapped. He took a deep breath, and continued. "Look, I was trying to find something I could look back fondly on, and not have some god-awful set of events directly attatched to it," he added, his voice lowering.

Cia stopped picking her nails, and looked up.

"Let's face it; this was probably the worst idea any of us has had in a while," Just then, Zant alongside Demise and Ghirahim entered the room.

"I can see we have a very ominous setting here," Zant sat himself down on one of the smaller armchairs. "did we miss anything?"

"Ganondorf had a fish-fetish when he was younger, in case you were wondering-"

"It was a fascination, Majora- never seen one in my entire life, what did you expect?"

The newcomers stared at Ganondorf in disbelief.

"So that's why you were insisting on getting a fish so badly..." Demise murmered, rather deep in thought. "Anyways, so Zant brough me up to speed after Ghirahim had calmed down- congrats on your nephew!"

Ganondorf glared at him through thick, ginger eyebrows.

"Oh, that wasn't a good thing? Now that I think about it, Zant did say you stormed off to go murder Kefka- did you succeed by any means?"

Ganondorf rose up from his armchair, his height of nine feet towering over everybody other than Demise himself, and stormed off upstairs. Shortly afterwards, the sound of Caramelldansen playing was heard alongside booms, crashes and Shrek yelling at Ganondorf to get out of his swamp. Everyone sat in silence, anticipating Ganondorf's premature return. It never came, so he was either severly injured or actually made his way up to the master bedroom;  _where all the magic happens_.

"Guessing he didn't." Demise commented nonchalantly. He promptly sat down in Ganondorf's armchair. "So, Dark- how about you tell your story?"

"Eh, nothin' much, 'cept that I was born in some sewer in London." He sat there, looking nowhere in particular.

"Anything else?" Volga asked.

"Oh yeah! I was raised in an orphanage in Lavender Town- when I was three, I stumbled into the schoolyard. There I saw a bunch of freaky-ass lookin' kids that were twice my size. I noticed that one lad had a funny ear, so I laughed. As everyone knows, that kid was Ghirahim and he broke my arm with his jaw- here," Dark Link rolled up his sleeve to reveal a deep scar in the shape of a bitemark.

"Seeing as this was Lavender Town and everyone was a sick bastard, nobody told the kid off and I wasn't given any meds. The bite got infected- you shoulda seen it, 'twas leakin' with pus!"

Veran, who had been silent up until now, gagged. And not a light gag, mind you; I mean the one where your mouth is giving Golbat a run for his money and you're making all these gross noises.

"Sensitive, are we?" Vaati said with a smirk.

"I worked with possession- not horribly infected wounds leaking with bodily fluids!" Veran retorted.

"Alrighty- I get da point mate, let me get on with mah story!" Dark groaned.

"So then this bloke named Peter Pan 'o eve'ybody seems to know ran about the town like a madman. 'e said 'e was lookin' 'or 'is shadow; dat's when 'e saw me. I was whisked 'way to Ne'erland at the age of three, and only managed to escape a'terwards on Cap'n 'ook's ship twenny years la'er!"

The cockney in Dark's voice was so strong, even Demise himself was wincing. Demise, source of all evil 'im- himself!

"So now, I've got the mind of a twenny three year old in a toddler's body- bummer, I waited all this time, and I still can't get meself sum whiskey- huh!" He slapped his thigh in disbelief, like Cia had done so earlier.

"So, while I was running about the streets in good ol' London trying to escape my nanny, I slam headfirst into the leg of this huge man. That man was good ol' Ganondad! After we got chatting, I told him my story and how I was actually twenny three but 'cause that bastard Petey Cookingpot took me to Ne'erland, I never aged.

"By this point it had been a few years since then, so I had just turned nine. 'e offered me a job at the Water Temple as Twink's doppelgan'er, wha'ever dat means. We shook on it. I 'ad to get a seven year training in combat if I was to be as good as the 'ero 'imself- not too bad, eh? O' course, we all know how that turned out in the end."

"So," Vaati said. "you just took the job offer of a man you just met, signed a contract, and never questioned what plans some random man on the streets could have for a boy your age?"

"Nah, not real'y."

Vaati promplty stuck his head in his hands, muttering something unintelligible. Volga tapped Zant on the shoulder.

"Look, Zant since you started this I think it'd be a good idea for you to have your go," He slapped the twili on the back. "Go ahead!"

"Alright, alright mate- a man's gotta recover from whatever Dark just spewed outta his mouth!"

Before Dark had a chance to retaliate, Zant clasped his hands together and began.

"So, I was the secret love-child of Benedong Cucumbersnatch and one of those blue people from Avatar- no Dark, not the one with the bald kid! Sadly, my mother passed away shortly after I was born. My dad moved to New Zealand to cope with his problems-"

Malladus raised his hand. Everyone groaned, except for Demise who was picking his rather long fingernails- or claws, whatever they are.

"Fine, just make it quick!"

"Why the hell did Benedict Cumberbatch move to Australia-"

"Looky here, mate; First of all, my dad was Benedong Cucumbersnatch, not Benedict Cumberbatch- there's a difference! Second of all, didn't what Cia said get into your thick skull- or did it fly straight into one ear and right out the other?!" Zant snapped. "Oh- and also, we moved to New Zealand; not the promised land of kangaroos," he added.

Malladus sat back and grumbled something about aliens and necks. Zant gave the demon king a look that could kill, before carrying on.

"The only thing I knew how to draw when I was little was sheep. Everywhere I looked, there were sheep. In all the alphabet books, in all the paintings, in all my dreams- there were sheep! I had to get away from this madness, I couldn't stand it any longer!

"For a short time, I was sent to Lavender Town to get and eduaction- I stayed in a dorm with all these other weird, and very noisy kids. There I met Ghirahim and I even got a glimpse at a very young and very much in pain Dark Link. Despite all the horrible stuff they did there, it was a nice change of pace from the rolling green hills filled with hundeds of sheep. Which made it all the more jarring when I came back home after.

"When I came back, I saw that all Dad could ever talk about, was sheep! This country, it had brainwashed him into worshipping sheep during the time I was away. When the goddesses started banishing the interlopers to the twilight realm, Din saw me and mistook me for one of them- and so I was banished to that god-forsaken chunk of land!

"I tried time and time again to escape, but I always ended up back where I started. The others didn't understand why I was so keen on leaving, as they didn't know I wasn't born here like the rest of them. In their haste to create a new realm so that they could dump the interlopers, the goddesses had borked up the space-time continueum; so when I was thrown in, the civiliazation had already been there for hundreds of years! Of course, eventually it was fixed, but for a while, time was very inconsistent.

"There were all these rules, and hierachies and even a new language. Fot a good few years, I had no idea what the hell they were saying. Thankfully, in some prestiguous schools they taught Hylian, so a select few very kind- albeit weird looking people offered to teach me how to speak their language.

"Someway, somehow I managed to serve in the king's court, and thus be an eligible candidate for the throne. That was when I met, Midna..."

The twili bit his lip and let out a sigh.

"What can I say about her that hasn't been said already? She was sassy as hell, a bit bossy at times and always looked like she knew something you didn't. As everybody knows, I was about to ascend to the throne, when all of a sudden, they turned around and said I was too power-hungry and put Midna in my stead!

"All I wanted to do was find a way to the surface, so that we could all be free and not live on this miserable chunk of land for the rest of time! Just when I was ready to give up, a god appeared before me- he promised me power, power far beyond compare- and so I asked him, if there was anything he'd want in return; he said, that all he wanted, was a single fish.

"I got out my fishing rod, and set out for a pond. It took longer than I anticipated, but I found one. I sat there for hours, and hours, hoping I could get just one single fish. My efforts were rewarded with a fish that made my pinky-finger look like a skyscraper- then again, I have a very long pinky-finger.

"I trekked all the way back to where I had met my god, and offered him my measly sacrifice. I asked if it was good enough- and he said it was better than that! He said that he'd never seen a mutated-twili-fish before, and that this one was spectacular. Let's be honest, I'm pretty sure you all know what happens after that- anyone else wanna go?"

"Zant, I think it's a bit late- maybe you all could do it tomorrow?" Demise said.

"Since when did you care about when we went to be bed? What are you- our dad?" Cia retorted.

"Source of all evil equals Dad. You'll be up all night at this point and I'll be late for work! Now, good night everyone."

He ushered them out of their chairs and up the stairs.

"But I didn't get to finish my story..." Ghirahim grumbled.

"Tomorrow, Gigi, tomorrow."

The disgruntled party made their way through the maze of traps, dead-ends and the smell of chocolate- taking care not to awaken Shrek- until they found their rooms.

Sure, most of them never fell asleep, but atleast for Demise, they were in bed. Even if Yuga was doodling all the way until dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well what can I say except your welcome?


	4. A Day with Ravio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark hangs out with Ravio after school- only it didn't go as intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack-pairing ahead- you have been warned!

 

The bell sounded the end of the school day. Everyone was getting up and outside the door. Dark Link took a breath of fresh air... fresh out of someone's ass. But he didn't care. Tomorrow was the beginning of half-term, so he could do whatever he wanted for more than a week!

He spotted Ravio, or Jeff as I should say, and went up to him.

"Oi mate, ya wan' go to da cafe?"

"Isn't Ganondorf supposed to pick you up?"

"Nah man, 'e's gone away for a Villain's Conference in the Mushroom Kingdom- 'e said I could go out after school, as long as I came home before ten."

"Seems like a good idea," Ravio- as I'm not going to call him Jeff- nodded. "I'll just let Luigi know I'm going out."

The little bunny-man took out his phone. After few minutes, he put it away and turned to Dark.

"Yeah, I can go."

"Great!" Dark Link immediately looped his arm with Ravio's, and practically dragged him down the street.

They arrived at a corner cafe that was aptly named "Kafei's Cafe". The smell of fresh coffee wafted through the doors and into the air around them. Dark Link led Ravio up the stairs, albeit a little more gently, and took a place in the line. Dark noticed that alot of the people who were in line seemed to be... couples?

When the pair made it to the front of the line, they saw a short man with purple hair at the counter.

"What would you like to order?" The man's voice was so deep and gravelly it was sometimes hard to make out what he was saying.

"Oi wait, Kafei, ain't dis your cafe- why don'tya 'ave any employees workin' for ya?"

"Eh, some died, others quit their jobs and Link couldn't make it-"

"Which Link, there's a million Link's in this town?"

The loud mouthed teenager was promptly nudged by someone behind him. He turned to see a very long, and rather disgruntled queue behind him.

"Ah, never mind," Ravio said, taking note of the angry customers. "I'd like a cherry-flavoured hot chocolate with whipped-cream- what do you want, Dark?"

"A dark coffee."

Kafei hastily took his notes, and yelled at a certain red haired woman who was working at the machines. Just then, another redheaded woman who looked like someone at Dark's school came rushing in. Without even putting on her uniform, she was behind the counter and working on the drinks.

Dank Lonk and Ravioli Ravioli took seat at a table by the window. Rain had just started to pour outside, light-grey light was just trickling in through the window as the raindrops ran down it- the table was further away from most of the commotion. The scene was perfect, if your ignored that one year old bird dropping that no one could get off the window, that is.

"Dark, what do you want to do when you grow up?"

The question had caught Dark off guard.

"I... dunno. Guess I'll just sorta 'ope I'll be picked for another game, or be forgo'en like Madallus an' Onox, and Veran..."

"I mean outside of that. I'm going to be a fisherman. Don't care what Mama Luigi says, I'm gonna. After we're done here, you wanna go fishing with me?"

"Eh, why not?"

One of the redhead ladies, the one who looked like Malon, handed them their drinks.

"Enjoy," She said in an exasperated tone. You could see the dark circles under her eyes, her hair was in a mess and she smelled of old milk. As she stumbled back, she ended up falling asleep and landing right in Link's pumpkin-spice latte- which Link? No idea.

Ravio simply took a nice long sip of his hot chocolate, before burning his tongue and nearly sputtering out the hot liquid. Dark, despite not exactly being the sharpest tool in the shed, took note to wait before he sipped his coffee.

Dark gently gazed at the hot chocolate being stirred around, watching the steam rise up to the top, the cream slowly melt into the hot chocolate, the scent of cherry eminent.

"What, you want some?" Ravio said, giving a little laugh.

"I-I guess," Dark spluttered.

Much to Dark Link's surprise, the little bunny man took his spoon and scooped some hot chocolate with a bit of melted cream, before pressing it to his lips.

Nonetheless, Dark happily drank the hot chocolate. Ravio gave a warm little smile, and took some of his silky, black hair in his hand. Dark simply rested his head in Ravio's hand, before pulling away.

"Wouldn't it 'ave been easier to just give me the cup?"

Ravio simply took a sip of his hot chocolate, now that it had cooled down a bit. Dark followed suit with his own beverage.

Did all boys do this with eachother? No, none of the Links ever spoon-fed him cherry-flavoured hot chocolate, or anyone else for the matter. Then did any of the girls? Maybe the spoon-feeding in some occasions, but he'd never seen anyone who were simply friends run their hand through the other's hair.

When they had finished, Ravio had left a tip on the table, before leading Dark out of the cafe. Dark noted how he held his hand, he also noted how soft Ravio's hands were.

This wasn't normal, none of this. And yet Dark didn't mind. He happily followed Ravio through the winding streets, around the parks and onto the edge of town. The sat on the bank of a wide river. Ravio took out his rod from hammer-space, and handed it over to Dark.

"Oi wait- Ravioli, I dunno 'ow ta fish!"

"Then I'll show you," he fitted a lure onto the end of the hook. For the next couple of hours, he patiently showed Dark all his little techniques.

The rain was light, and the weather was warm. Occasionally, Ravio would fondle Dark's hair or seemingly misplace his hand. Dark felt like he could fly, he felt his heart pounding and his excitement bubbling up from his chest, and he also felt like he wanted to smash his fist through a wall. All these emotions, these feelings were just too much for him.

Finally, after hours of trying, they had finally caught a fish. Dark immediately fell back onto the grass.

"You feel like catching another?"

"No, just no. I've 'ad enough of dat for today,"

Ravio reached out to touch Dark's hair again, but Dark grabbed his wrist. He placed Ravio's hand on his cheek, and closed his eyes. Such soft, pale skin against his rough, dark cheek.

"Ravioli mah man- I feel like I'm burnin' up!"

Ravio simply lay his head on his chest in reply. Dark pulled off the little bunny hood, and grabbed a handful of Ravio's hair. He wrapped his other arm around the latter's shoulders.

He opened his eyes again, and propped himself up. He placed his hand on the side of Ravio's face, and pulled him close. The sun was slowly setting, and colours were shot across the sky. The rain looked golden. The clouds were canvases for the bright colours. He could see a light flush in Ravio's cheeks.

He slowly closed his eyes, and put his forehead to Ravio's. Ravio gently nuzzled his nose into Dark's cheek. He leaned in a little more, gently brushing chapped lips against soft ones. Licking his lips, Ravio's lips, he ran a hand up and down his jaw.

He'd never felt anything like this before. Their heartbeats were in time, his mind all fuzzy, skin against skin.

Finally pulling the other in completely, their lips seemingly bound together. He tugged at the soft fabric of Ravio's cloak, wanted to pull him even closer. He wrapped his arms around him, savouring the warmth that was radiating from underneath. He felt hands tugging at his collar, then caressing his neck, his jaw, his hair.

When they finally parted, Dark saw that the sun had finally set. They were alone on a riverbank, the stars faintly glimmering over their heads. Talking about stars, Dark was seeing them where they really shouldn't be.

He exhaled, and gave Ravio one last peck.

"Hey!"

The pair snapped their heads, to see a man clad in green with a moustache. Luigi.

"What are you doing with my bambino?!"

Dark scrambled up, pulling Ravio up with him. He didn't know where the hell they were going to run, but they were going to. Never in his life did Dark think he'd get chased by a green-garbed plumber after making out with said plumber's foster son. Spotting a house off in the distance that was covered in bug-themed decor, Dark ran in that direction. Once they had reached the front door, Dark pounded like he never had in his life.

Mama Luigi was gaining on them. He was getting closer, never misplacing his step- jinxed, he tripped over a rock, just when the door was opened and Dark Link and Ravio rushed inside, slamming the door behind them.

"Stritch lock the door, lock the door!"

"Alright, alright dude,"

With the door locked, Dark and Ravio slumped to the ground.

"What the hell could you have possibly done to get Luigi mad?"

"Well..." Dark started, biting his lip. "rather not tell, to be honest,"

"Was it against the law?"

"No, 'twasn't,"

"Oh."

Stritch sauntered into the living room, where Agitha and Gulley were counting all the bugs they'd caught today.

"I think we'll sell this one to the black-market, what'd you think, Stritch?"

"Sounds like a good deal to me,"

Ravio turned to Dark.

"Never in my life did I think I'd be running away from my foster father after kissing a boy, and have to seek refuge in the house of a bunch of black-marketeers. I never even thought I'd get kissed!"

"Oi wha- ya kissed?" Gulley got up from his seat, dragonfly in hand.

Agitha shot up at the mention of the word kiss, an excited glint in her eyes.

"You kissed? How was it like? Did you ever kiss before-"

The stairs started to creak, and slowly, a grey high-heel peeked from around the corner.

"You, what."

A lady tall as a skyscraper with platinum-blonde hair wearing a long blue dress was standing there, towering over them. It was none other than Rosalina herself, Mother of Lumas, Lady of the Stars, and Hater of Homosexuals.

Luigi outside the door, homophobic star-lady infront of the stairs- what could they do. She slowly went up to the door, turning the knob...

Dark and Ravio took their chance and scrambled up the stairs, when Dark's ankle was grabbed. Dark kicked the hand off, eliciting and angry yelp from Rosalina, before being pulled up by Ravio. They ran into what could only be Stritch's bedroom, taking care not to crash into any of the bug-themed pieces that littered the room. They opened the window, and clambered onto the roof.

Now that they were up here, there seemed to be nowhere to run. The next roof was just too far away-

"Alright, Dark," Ravio scooped up dark, who was a decent bit taller than him. "I need you to trust me on this-"

"Oi Ravioli- what the hell'ya gonna do?!"

Ravio jumped across the gap between the roofs, landing perfectly on the other side.

"Luigi taught me how to do that- now we need to get to your house!"

Speaking of Luigi, he had just jumped up onto Stritch's roof, Rosalina in tow. Ravio frantically jumped along the rooftops, having more trouble with some than others. Just as they entered the main city area, a certain Sheikah appeared infront of them.

"Stop in the name of the law!"

It was Impa and her police force consisting of Mario, Link-Sky, Gladiolus and Kool-aide Man.

"Please miss Impa, they're gaining on us!"

"Who is?" They were a long way off, so they were hard to make out, but she guessed who the pursuers were.

"Luigi an' Rosalina-"

"Okay, ya know what- screw the law, anyone who's trying to escape Rosalina has my support!" And with that, she grabbed Ravio's shoulder and threw a deku-nut.

When the dust had cleared, Dark and Ravio could see they were in the entrance hall of Ganondorf's fortress of over four-hundred and twenty stories.

"I, don't know what to say..."

"No worries kid, that woman is toxic- when I was being raised by her, I realised I was a lesbian, and proceeded to tell her. She went on a tirade about how homosexuality isn't okay and how I was a mistake in her grand shipping scheme."

"Oh yeah- Cia told us 'bout 'er when we were telling childhood stories- although her's had alot of spoiled milk mentioned in it..."

"THE GODDESS DOG STRIKES AGAIN!"

Ravio fell back by the sheer volume of the sound, but Dark just stayed put. He was used to this by now.

Lord Ghirahamsandwich jumped right off the top of the stairs, and sprained his ankle. Nonetheless, the bastard healed himself before running up to Dark Link.

"You, young man, have been out past ten!"

"Actually Ghirahim, it's nine fifty-nine," Impa remarked in an annoyed tone.

"Wrong! On my phone it's one past ten!"

Dark attempted to sneak away, only for Ghirahim to grab him by the collar and lift him two feet into the air.

"Oh no you don't. Wait till Ganondorf he's about this-"

"Ey Ghirahim, it's only nine thirty." Demise came down the stairs, holding his wrist out so everybody could see the time on his watch.

"Cor, that thing's always been off!" Ghirahim scoffed.

"Nah, it's been working just fine for the last five-hundred years. Always been on time to work because of it," the former demon king said with a cheesy grin that would rival that of someone doing an advertisement.

Impa took the chance to snatch Dark out of Ghirahim's grasp, and set him down. The doppelganger immediately ran upstairs, Ravio in tow. Now that they were away from all the commotion, they had to make their way through the maze that was Ganondorf's fortress.

"Um, I dink we go dis way," Dark said as he stumbled straight into a wall, a wall covered in millions of tiny spikes nonetheless. "Oi, 'o put dat there?"

Ravio winced, as he clung onto Dark's hand, feeling along the narrow walls and hoping they wouldn't run into any booby-traps. Then, they saw a light. Making their way towards it, they saw what appeared to be a swamp behind the doorway. Slowly, Ravio placed a foot through. Dark simply scampered off.

"Dark, I don't think we're mean to be here!"

"Phooey, it's in Ganondad's fortress, and anywhere where Ganondad can go, I can,"

"Look Dark, somebody once told me-"

Just then, bursting through the trunk of a tree, or was it a house, came a huge green man with weird ears garbed in a smelly white tunic and brown scaly waistcoat. There was a fire in his eyes, the earth seemed to shake with every step he took.

"Get out of MY SWAMP!" He bellowed in a strong scottish accent.

"-that Shrek lived here..."

He snatched Dark by the arm and ran for the door, only that there was no door. Ravio turned back to look at the ogre, who strutting towards them. Ravio ran as fast as he could, dragging dark with him. Once they were out of the swamp, Ravio slumped down on the ground, and Dark followed suit.

"Now what?"

"We look 'or a blue flo'er with red thorns!"

"No, that was only a distraction Fiona gave to Donkey so that he would stop panicking. And speaking of Donkey, let's hope we don't run into-"

"Ay, you guys got some  _waffles_?" Came the voice of Eddie Murphy.

"Spoke too soon..."

"Oi Donkey mah man,"

"Dark why..." Ravio muttered something ropes and towels.

"ya know a way outta 'ere?"

"Sure I do- but first, you got to make me some  _waffles_!"

"Oh, but we don' know 'ow ta make waffles. We don' 'ave any of da equipment either,"

"First of all, it's  _waffles_  not waffles- secondly, if you don't have any  _waffles,_ then you ain't never gonna be able to get outta here!" Donkey stamped his hoof on the ground, somehow causing an earthquake in Far Far Away and killing sixty-nine resident and injuring twenty-one.

The police immediately came after him and threw him into the dungeon with CDi-Ganon. Dank Kink and My nama Jeff watched as their only way of escape was dragged away from them, mentioning, or rather screaming how his wife would hear about this.

"Well, now what?"

"Guess we're gon' 'ave to keep walking," Dark Link shrugged.

After walking through the rolling greens hills and trying their best to avoid getting anywhere near the kingdom of Duloc. The sun was beginning to set, and there was no shelter in sight.

"Welp, looks like we're comple'ely screwed- wait a minute, is that Ganondad I see?!"

And that it was. Strolling around, having just spotted them, was Ganondorf.

"Oi, what are you kids doing here?"

"Could ask da same 'bout you- aren'tya s'posed to be at the Villain's Conference?"

"I only went there to finally beat up Kefka- both Bowser and Dedede agreed with me. When we attacked, that smug, italian clown transported us into the middle of whatever the hell you call the world Shrek lives in!"

"Alright, but where are they now?" Ravio asked.

"Good question- follow me, we've made a base of operations," without warning, the Gerudo King nearly ripped their arms out of their sockets as he dragged them off into the sunset.

After ten minutes of walking, the camp was finally in sight. Bowser was currently lighting a fire while Dedede sat like he'd seen all the horrors of the universe unfold right infront of him- that probably being some of the more questionable content on this website.

"Sixty-nine days, sixty-nine days..." he muttered over and over again like a madman. I won't make a joke about him being an-

"Woah Ganondad, your friend here's an ABSOLUTE _MADMAN!_ " Too late.

"You'd be too if you were stuck here for that long," grumbled Bowser. The numbers somehow didn't add up in Ravio's head, seeing as Dark said Ganondorf had left yesterday.

That night, they had some roast squirrels and few rabbits. Dedede started chanting "it's always the rabbits, always rabbits", and no one could get him to shut up.

"So kids, why the hell are you here?"

Ravio swallow a piece of rabbit prematurely before Dark Link could even get the chance to open up his big mouth, pain running down his back as he done so.

"Me and Dark were having a sleepover. We were going upstairs to find the way to Dark's room, only somehow we managed to stumble into some portal to this place,"

"Hmm, interesting," Ganondorf took another bite of his unseasoned rabbit.

After a silence of horribly loud chewing, fire crackling, Dedede repeating some random mantra and the villagers grabbing theor pitchforks and torches so that they could finally kill Shrek, Ravio spoke up.

"Hey, so Dedede said you were here for sixty-nine days- how come? Dark said you only left yesterday."

"Time-shenanigans kid; Narnia logic. Only without the land full of snow, the white b-"

"Ganondorf, not around the kids!" Bowser bellowed.

"Bowser they know words way, way worse than this- they aren't Junior's age, you know?"

Bowser grunted, still giving Ganondorf a disapproving look.

"Bowser, you used to be so much more fun when we were younger- what the hell happened?" Ganondorf said.

"Parenthood, responsibilities, Ganondorf. Maturity."

"And by maturity you mean joining up with me and Dedede to beat up Kefka?"

"He's an italian, I hate italians. Every time a see a pizza or bowl or spaghetti I can only think of the bridge falling beneath me because a certain  _italian_ plumber jumped on the switch, like he does everything."

Ravio turned to see Dark asleep, leaning against his shoulder. He gently set him on the ground, checked through his pouch and pulled out a blanket. He considered lying down beside him, but put it out of mind. He had no idea what the hell came over them at the riverbank, at the cafe, or really just with them in general. Dark being Dark, maybe this was all a joke to him?

Bowser noticed the troubled expression on Ravio's face.

"Hey, what's up? You don't look so good."

"Eh, it's nothing-"

"And by that you mean it's something," Ganondorf interjected. "What's with you kid, something happened?"

Ravio bit his lip and shook his head. Was it really the best to talk about this?

"Well, Dark and me- we... we kinda..." Ravio shook his head again. The sunset, the stars, skin against skin, hands running through hair. It was all coming back to him. "kissed."

Ganondorf and Bowser stared at him like he had three heads, while a cricket chirped in the background.

"Really kid, that's it?"

"Woah, hold up- you look thirteen- aren't you a little too young to have your first kiss?"

Ravio shook his head.

"Fifteen, actually."

"Oh, sorry." Bowser gathered all the bones from the ground and threw them into the fire. "Was it underwhelming?"

"Oh goddesses no, it was the most wonderful thing I felt in my life- it's just that, Dark being Dark, what if he just gets over it? What if he just sees it as another joke?"

Ganondorf leaned back. Placing a hand on Ravio's shoulder, he looked him in the eyes.

"Look, I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you this; Dark seems to really, really like you- and I mean really," the fire was starting to die down, whatever remained of the wood was but crumbling charcoal. "he always gets excited whenever you call. Whenever I ask what happened after school, he says he's been out with you. Now, I don't know if this is just simply liking someone alot, like in a friend kind of way, but the fact that he kissed you leads me to believe otherwise."

Taking his hand off Ravio's shoulder, the last of the flames dying down.

"Think we should all get some rest," Bowser said.

"Eh, good idea," Ganondorf simply flopped down on the ground, curling into a fetal position shortly after.

As Ravio settled down somewhat near Dark Link, he cast his friend a rather nervous glance.

"Hey, don't worry about it- you guys'll talk about this in the morning."

Ravio didn't even know if he wanted to talk about it at all.

Soon, everyone was asleep. Except Ravio.

The only sounds there were, was the wind gently howling and Dedede muttering in his sleep. Ravio rolled away from Dark, only to want to roll back. Apparent by the sound of screaming that shortly followed a monstrous roar, the villagers had yet again failed to kill Shrek. That ogre was nigh invincible.

Eventually, Ravio had to roll over after being on that side for so long; only to be faced with Dark.

Ravio closed his eyes and tried to take his thoughts away from the dark-skinned teenager. He would have scooted away, but quite frankly he already had a warm spot and he wasn't going to make another. So he was left facing Dark.

The lorulian attempted to keep his eyes closed for longer, but to no avail. He just felt more awake than ever. At this point in the night, Dedede had long stopped mumbling his mantra, and Ravio was left with nothing to listen to but the wind. That and the sound of drunk men in the tavern singing horribly, but that was way off and you had to have pretty keen ears to be able to hear it.

Ravio pulled his little bunny-hood over his head, and curled up. Would Dark even care by morning time? What if Ravio messed something up, what then? In all his thinking, Ravio hadn't noticed that he had fallen asleep.

* * *

Ravio woke up to darkness. Just straight up black in his face. When he curled his fists around it, it felt soft. He could feel the heavy, breathing motions beneath the soft, black thing. He felt something holding him close, and something resting on his head. He felt himself being pulled closer and a small kiss planted on his forehead.

He felt fingers running through his hair as he tugged at the soft material.

"You're... so... soft..." a voice whispered. "so small..."

In response, Ravio nuzzled in closer to the warmth, letting it wrap itself around him. He felt safe, he felt protected.

He felt accepted.

All curled up in the darkness' arms, Ravio closed his eyes once more, and slowly drifted off to the sound of the other's heartbeat.

* * *

Ravio woke up in Dark's lap. Vibrant scarlet, almost luminescent, eyes staring into his dark green ones.

"Ganondorf and Bowser left to 'unt, and they took Dedede with 'em. Guess dat leaves us all alone..." he trailed off, twisting Ravio's hair in between his fingers.

Dark gently brushed his thumb over Ravio's cheek. Ravio strangely liked how rough Dark's skin was; it had a soothing feel to it. He gently ran a finger from the bridge to the tip of Ravio's nose, gently placing a little peck on it.

Ravio's cheeks were turning pink against his near white skin. Dark gave a little laugh, and simply swooped in on Ravio like some kind of vulture. He closed his eyes, and simply enjoyed the feel of the other's lips. When they parted, Ravio propped himself up against the other's chest.

"I was worried you'd just, forget- I dunno why..." he trailed off, tugging at Dark's collar.

Dark simply wrapped his arms around him in response.

"How're ya so warm?" He mumbled.

"Probably 'cause I'm in this damn bunny-suit all day."

"Must be bloody well boilin' in there."

"Eh, kinda true."

The moment was cut short when out of nowhere, a dust cloud appeared and Impa leapt out.

"Oi kids, finally managed to get here- we gonna go or what?" Impa reached out her hand, expecting one of them to reach out.

"Ay Impa, we just foun' Ganondad, Boswer and Dedede- they're o'er there in the woods. They said they'd be there for sixty-nine days."

"Narnia logic, just without boatloads of snow or a white b-"

Just then, Ganondorf, Bowser and Dedede returned from the woods. Ganondorf blinked a few times to make sure what he was seeing was correct.

"Impa?"

"Yee boi, it's me."

"Never in my fish-deprived life did I ever think I'd be so happy to see your illuminati-themed face!" He promptly dropped the rabbit he was holding, and flung himself over the sheikah, only that she sidestepped and he was left plummeting into the poor young couple.

After Impa managed to fling the more than full-grown and very muscular black man off the poor unfortunate souls, Ravio muttered "Second time I've been squashed by this man, second time Impa's had to fling him off me."

Impa simply let out both her arms.

"Everybody hanging on?" Seeing as everybody was holding hands, Impa nodded approvingly. "Good."

Impa somehow managed to spit a deku-nut out of her mouth, not unlike the deku people themselves. Within seconds, they were all enveloped in a cloud of dust, and after it had cleared, they found themselves in the entry hall of the fortress.

Ghirahim and Demise were still arguing over which clock was correct, bu that wasn't what caught their eye. It was Mario and Luigi standing few feet away from them.

"Impa, I thought you were helping us escape?!" Ravio said.

"Only from Rosalina- I'll leave the family to sort things out; Cia!" And with that, Impa threw another deku-nut and vanished.

Ganondorf, Bowser and Dedede promptly ran into the living room and whooped with joy when they saw that they were finally back. Ravio swore he heard something like "Finally- I won't be getting lectured on how 'ogres are like onions' anymore!".

Ravio slowly got up, Dark Link following suit. He looked Mario dead in the eye. The plumber sighed.

"Me and Luigi, we've had a discussion," I'll have you know he's got the voice he had in the cartoons.

Ravio swung his hand behind, getting it caught by Dark's.

"ever since you've been given to us, we promised that we'd never let anybody hurt you. This included potential boyfriends and girlfriends too- and yet here you are, holding hands with Dark Link; the worst possible choice."

Ravio hung his head in shame while Dark looked rather offended.

"-However, after alot of discussion, it seems like Dark actually gives a damn about you; and for that, we'll let you two be together-"

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" Ravio shouted, boncing up and down, not unlike a rabbit.

"On the condition," Mario gave Dark a firm look. "that you two don't start having action before you're adults- understand?"

The pair nodded in unison. Dark wrapped his arms around Ravio's shoulders, still clinging to his hand.

"Although Ravioli, we're gonna have to go now," Luigi said.

Ravio looked down in dismay.

"Okay..."

"Hey, you can go see him tomorrow- how about that?"

Ravio nodded. He was forced to tear himself away from Dark's warm embrace. He grabbed Mario's hand, and began to walk toward the exit. He turned to face Dark one last time.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Dark said with a smile.

Right then and there, Ravio looked as happy as Dark had ever seen him.

"Okay," by this point, the trio was outside the door. Dark ran up to the entry, and started waving like an absolute madman.

"Bye!"

"Goodbye!"

After a while of many exchanged 'goodbyes' and 'farewells', Dark had to finally close the door due to Ghirahim begging him to and the Mario Brothers getting a bit fed up with having to make sure Ravio was keeping up after a while. When he did, he slumped down against the door.

He was really looking forward to tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahaha- finally, it's done!
> 
> What's a crackfic without a crack-pairing? Okay, most crackfics don't have pairings tbh.
> 
> Don't worry, I won't go shipping everybody with anybody just because- just these two!
> 
> I dunno why but I find it funny that there are all these Link x Dark Link fics and I'm just sitting in the corner with Dark- Link x Link but he's got black/dark purple hair, a bunny costume and is a bit of a coward. Have I created a new pairing? Who knows!


	5. Fireplace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ganondorf intended to start planning on a new, even more convoluted section of the fortress, but gets interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright bois and grils, Imma somewhat bacc with a fluffier fic than usual. Was putting this off for a long time due to severe writer's block, and just general inspiration-constipation. I probably won't be uploading regularly(as if I ever have), but hey- haeve sum fluff!

Ganondorf sipped from his cup of black coffee infront of the blazing brick fireplace, lounged comfortably in his special armchair. His mane of red hair untied after a long day of work, getting out of seals that were supposed to last centuries but couldn't even reach an hour. After a few millennia of being imprisoned under elaborate spells, Ganondorf had become rather skilled at escaping them.

The warm flames flickered against his dark, olive-grey skin and the light danced in his half-lidded, ancient golden eyes. Beyond the grand, red-draped curtains of the living room, the land was blanketed in a serene darkness. He took another sip of his coffee, and tapped his large fingers on the arm of his seat.

Tonight, he'd hope to continue on his plans for a new, even more convoluted section of his fortress. This time, it'd smell like coffee, oranges  _and_  chocolate! Oh yeah, he probably should start thinking on the traps and layout of the area, but that wasn't as important.

But for now, he planned to relax...

When Cia came down wearing a unicorn onesie and holding a Link rag-doll Yuga had made for her few months prior. Without some of the makeup, she certainly did resemble her other half Lana a tad more. She plopped down on a smaller, less-special armchair to the side of him. The onesie in itself already looked ridiculous, but with the whole unicorn-trend going on, most people wouldn't bat an eye.

But that doll, that stupid, button eyed Link-doll was plain childish. You'd think a lust-filled sorceress capable of mind control wearing an outfit that looked like a plague-doctor turned prostitute would have more... mature ways of displaying her desires.

"You look like you're about to tell me how you've had a nightmare or get a glass of milk," Ganondorf huffed.

Cia stared blankly into the flame, pursing her lips.

"Actually, I did,"

Ganondorf shut his eyes and exhaled from his big-ass nose. He'd need another cup of coffee if he was going to put up with this.

"Fine, just lemme refill my mug,"

He heaved himself off the velvet armchair, rising to his full height of around eight to nine feet. He groggily, lumbered off into the kitchen, the caffeine taking longer to gain hold on his gargantuan frame. The sound of something smashing and deep, thunderous cursing was heard soon after.

After a good five minutes of sweeping, brewing and getting a new mug, the King of Evil returned to the room feeling just that little bit more irritable. He slumped right back into his seat, and prepared himself for what possible nightmares a centuries old sorceress in a unicorn onesie with a Link doll's mind could conjure.

"Now get this over with,"

Cia bit her lip, and began.

"So you see, I was in a room, and there was a teapot,"

This was going to be  _great._

"A-And, in the teapot," Cia stuttered, before taking some time to breathe. "was a mouse."

Ganondorf couldn't help but snicker, nearly spluttering out his coffee and garnering a disbelieving, and rather horrified look from the sorceress.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Fine, fine- it's just that I'd assume someone who'd seen as many atrocities as you would be scared of something more conventionally scary," He set the mug on the mantelpiece, knowing he'd probably not be as lucky with his coffee next time.

"A mouse nibbled my finger when I was little, plus, they have these horrible beady black eyes that look like they're about to suck the life out of you and ugly worm tails- not to mention they can easily slip away into pantries, carry diseases, chew furniture..."

Soon, Ganondorf found himself listening to a long, winded explanation of why mice were the spawn of hell itself, and that she never trusted anyone who own a mouse or any other rodent.

"...don't even get me started on squirrels-"

"I get it, I get it! Just get on with the nightmare already," Ganondorf groaned. The sooner she got this over with, the sooner he could work on that new convoluted segment that served no purpose seeing as people could simply walk through the front door- he would fix that later by erecting a series of walls, mazes and snake-filled pits...

Oh yeah, he still had to hear Cia's nightmare.

Ganondorf soon ended up spacing out, occasionally nodding or grunting in response to whatever Cia was saying. Something about legions of mice spilling out of the teapot, crawling up her and chewing away at her skin while she screamed in agony- child's play, if he was honest.

"...and that's why I need a hug,"

Ganondorf immediately snapped back up, thankful to have put his mug of coffee on the mantelpiece.

"What?!" he spluttered, looking at her like she was some kind of giant pig monster.

"and a glass of warm milk," she added.

It was then Ganondorf put his large hand with horribly short nails against his temple. Maybe he shouldn't have taken so much coffee...

"Do I look like your mother?" he groaned.

"I wouldn't know, I was raised by Rosalina,"

It was taking every ounce of his strength not to throw that Link doll into the fire in frustration. Ever since Yuga made that accursed toy, Cia'd been clinging onto it like a baby with a blanket. Such behaviour had no place in a member of an elite brotherhood of Hyrule's worst enemies- especially not for one centuries, if not millennia old.

"Cia, please. It's enough you're in a unicorn onesie dragging a rag doll behind you like a five year old girl, the last thing I need is for you to act like one,"

"Please, only this once! I promise I won't do this again,"

He bit his lip, and clasped his hands together.

If it would make Cia stop whining...

"Fine," Ganondorf slumped back into his armchair, and spread his arms wide. Almost instantaneously, Cia hopped onto his lap, and buried herself in his embrace.

She was tiny compared to him, especially without all the intimidating armour she donned during the day. Ganondorf sighed, as he felt her wrap her arms around his neck and lay her head on his large shoulder. Cia closed her eyes, and nestled into him. The king of evil placed his legs on a footrest, and slid into a comfier position.

You know what, this wasn't actually too bad. There was a certain charm about having someone come to you for comfort, slip into your arms and feel their worries melt away.

Cia rolled onto her side, arm across Ganondorf's chest. He gingerly slipped a hand under the hood, and ran it through her soft white locks. She smiled softly in response. He couldn't help but return it, as he began gently scratching her back through the fabric.

The fire was gently dying down, the warm orange flames getting fainter and fainter.

"Forgot about your milk?"

"I think I'll be fine..." she drawled, slowly dozing off.

Ganondorf couldn't help but let his eyes shut, his breathing getting slow and heavy. The fortress could wait for tomorrow.

But for now, he wanted to relax...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this fluffy, if short chapter. Not as upbeat and chaotic as some of my other stuff, but this is a crackfic and anything goes. Leave your thoughts on this in a review, tell me what I can improved, whether you liked this or thought it was a flaming pile of crap :P


	6. The Apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Volga wakes up and breaks his alarm clock. The chapter goes miles from there.

The alarm clock rang, and a fist quickly came down to smash it. A component hit him in the eye, causing him to jolt up and clutch it. This morning; every morning, he broke the alarm clock... and got hit in the eye. And every afternoon he had to get a new alarm clock.

Volga blindly reached for his helmet, tied his hair and pulled it through the helmet, and got up. He had no need to change his clothes, because he'd knocked himself out drunk last night in them. He didn't bother to shower, as he only did that once a month- and even though the others, Ghirahim and Cia particularly, hated him for it- he didn't give half a damn.

As rose up from the pile of gold, and attempted to make his way toward the entrance, he suddenly felt something cutting into his little toe. The berserker winced, and lifted the object out of the way. Probably that sword Ganondorf hated so much, that he gave it- or rather threw it straight at Volga's face and permanently blinded him when the dragon knight asked.

He carried on his merry way, accidentally piercing the sole of his foot of a few sharp crystals along the way. Volga, as expected of a dragon, was a massive bloody hoarder, if you lost something around the fortress, good chance it ended up in Volga's lair; pennies, purses, books, jewellery, swords, cooking equipment, your pet squid, weapons of mass destruction, your will to live, and more. Especially the last one. Once or twice, Volga unwittingly picked up Wizzro's ring form. He sincerely hopes there won't be a third time.

He reached for the handle, and pushed it forward. He took a step outside his room, and boy, was it outside. The next thing he felt was few seconds of weightlessness, air blowing in his face- and the crunch of his feet on hard tile. Volga was very much used to this by now. But what he wasn't used to was this cacophony of an argument that he just walked- or rather, fell, in on.

"It's seven thirty- look at my watch!"

"Such a claim of utter absurdity- that watch made you three hours late to Sephiroth's birthday party!"

"No, that time I lost my watch to Volga and had to borrow Ganondorf's,"

"Enough with the lies, Demise. That watch has been going on for five hundred years, and every time it stopped working you wound it up again- sure, few seconds lost during the time, but few seconds over centuries adds up!"

"No, it doesn't, you just simply can't appreciate the value of an antique that holds more merit than modern day technology,"

"There's a reason modern day technology exists, it's because the old ways were unreliable- why, hello, Volga..."

Honestly, Volga had no idea how in Hyrule this couple functioned.

"Hey Ghira, hey Demise,"

"Oi Volga, needa ask ya something," the berserker could feel hot, fiery breath in his face, and a hand waving about in the air. "is this watch accurate?"

There was an awkward silent, but without the crickets as they were still in fear of Majora bringing the moon down upon them.

"I'm blind, dumbass."

Just then, all the crickets forgot about the death-threat and started chirping as loud as they could. The noise was deafening. Buildings were collapsing, babies were crying and all the Links were screaming at the top of their lungs in sheer terror. Looks like Volga wouldn't just be blind, but deaf too.

That all came to an end when a window in the twenty-first room on the sixty-ninth floor of the fortress slammed right open. Then, all was silent. Shortly afterward, the window slammed shut.

"No idea how he- she, whatever it is does it- I mean, I'm the father of all evil and even I couldn't get the crickets to shut up back in my day!"

"...Well, now we know what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," Ghirahim remarked. "I will make note to alert Fi that the age-old question has finally been solved."

A large swish was heard, and shortly after the demon lord's yelp.

"Not until we get the issue with the watch over,"

"For the love of Din, Demise, you're tearing into my shoulder- ow, ow, ow!"

Volga took his chance to jump off the edge of the balcony once more. Didn't matter if he broke all the bones in his body, it was probably less painful than listening to these two bicker all day.

Sure, he could transform into a dragon to stop his fall, but Volga being Volga, he considered that to be wuss-like behaviour. With whistle, and three minutes of falling, and thunderous crunch was heard. Surprisingly enough, he hadn't broken all his bones! But the mournful wail that came from behind him answered why.

"You killed Ravioli!" Dark cried.

Volga could feel something warm and wet pooling up around his hands and knees. He stumbled back, wincing as he felt was could only be a rib dig into his palm. He heard someone run down the stairs, trip up, then go back to running. He was promptly flung three metres into the air, and landed squarely on his back.

"So, how did you revive him last time?" Impa asked. Despite being fired for lacing raisins in cookies, she still comes around every day out of sheer boredom. Sometimes Ganondorf even pays her, that is, when he forgets she's supposed to be fired.

"I plan'ed 'is nose. 'e took three days ta grow back,"

Volga felt himself being lifted off the ground by a pair of long, skinny arms.

"Now let's get you cleaned up; can't have you looking like ya killed someone at the barbie,"

"I kinda just did- and what's this about a barbecue? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Actually I only came up with the plan three minutes ago. Hoping I can get Ganondorf to approve it,"

"Zant... Ganondad's the most antisocial person I know- ya really think he'd let you host a barbecue when you've only come up with the plan three minutes ago?"

And with that, Volga was lowered into a bathtub, clothes still on. The water began to smell of iron and rotting meat.

"Trust me, I've got my ways. Now go ahead and scrub yaself clean, I'll be here to make sure ya don't drown or somethin'."

"Not sure I'll be able to come, gotta get meself a new alarm clock-"

"Prepared ahead of time," Zant said as he handed the still-wet Volga a box.

"Why, isn't that nice of you..." Volga turned to him, staring deeply, or at least that's what he thought he was doing. In reality, he was looking in the direction of a rubber duck. A rubber duck with a red cap...

In a flash of light, there was a huge leap through the air, and before you could say "Yeet", Volga was thrust head-down underwater with fat, hairy fingers around his neck. The fingers were pulled off, and he heard alot of smashing, splashing and the toilet flushing.

"He killed by baby Ravioli!" came a hoarse, New-Yorker accent.

"Mario it was an accident. Besides, he'll grow back once Dark plants his nose-"

"Plants his nose?! This happened before?!"

"Once again, Mario it was an accident-"

"That's it, I ain't never lettin' my precious Ravioli be 'round you shady-ass mafia folk ever again!"

Volga simply got up, tip-toed out of the tub, grabbed a towel, and ran off down the hallway- falling flat on his face, before getting up and running again. He took a turn down the left, only to once again fall, this time into something soft. And squishy. And warm.

He was promptly shoved off, when a high feminine voice screamed;

"Look what you've done- my cookies are all over the floor now!"

It was Cia.

With the sound of sobbing, the sorceress scooped up her biscuits, and if Volga could see he would know that she was holding them to her bosom like a peasant mother would her children who died of the Black Plague in 1349 despite her best efforts to place lavender near their bedsides.

"Y-You looked so fudgy... so chocolate-y..." she choked through tears. "t-the p-perf-fect d-dess-ssert-t-t f-f-for t-t-the-e-e b-barbec-c-cue!"

If the crickets weren't going to make him deaf, then this god-awful stuttering was.

"You were on the barbecue plan too?"

"O-o-o-f course. Never been to one in my whole life- Rosalina didn't want me socialising with any of those godless-heathens. Did I mention she was an Evangelical Christian?"

Volga stared in disbelief, or at least would have if he could.

"Anyhow, you're going to have to help me bake some new ones! Come on," she said, dragging him off the floor by his arm and leading him to the kitchen. For some reason the heating was god-awful here, especially if you wanted a cup of coffee after your bath that god hijacked by Mario.

Speaking of Mario, he was complaining to Ganondorf in the hallway, the latter already nodding off.

However, Volga had little time to eavesdrop when Cia thrusted an apron over his shoulders.

"Hey, you in this plane of existence?" she said, lightly tapping his face. However, before he could answer she handed him a little semi-crinkled up note.

"Alrighty you read this and- oh, oh..."

One little cricket out in the middle of Hyrule field started to chirp, but was promptly slapped on the shoulder by his comrade. But alas, Majora was sick and tired of these goddamn crickets and their goddamn chirping everytime something awkward happened. The moon had began its course.

The rumbling didn't miss Volga's ears, nor Cia's nor that of everyone on, I dunno, the whole planet!

Cia once again snatched Volga's arm, and before long he could feel the soft dirt and Ravio's bludgeoned corpse fly beneath his feet. He heard a crash few steps short of where they had been, as a little hard chunk managed to hit him in his nigh-lifeless eye, causing him to yelp.

Meteors.

His companion screamed as one hit her square in the stomach. Her pace faltered, and her breaths became laboured. Without a moment's notice, Volga scooped her up and started running.

"Volga the bunker is to the left!"

The berserker immediately span left en-prompt, nearly slamming straight into the metal door before Cia slipped off, and unlocked it. She resumed her position clinging onto him as they stumbled down the steps to the cellar.

"Barbie down in the bunker, everyone!" came a thick Australian accent.

As more and more people joined them, revived Ravio with the help of a fairy included, Zant continued to holler until Ganondorf promptly put a hand over his mouth and dragged him down with them.

"Not unless you want carbon monoxide poisoning, moron."

The bunker was very, very dark- not like that changed anything for Volga. But having fifteen or so people all stumbling around a cramped space was less than optimal.

"My God, you needn't worry about gas- I was planning on it being electric!"

"An electric barbecue? That takes away the whole point of it being a barbecue! Might as well boil it in a pot with no salt while you're at it-" Mario cried in his New Yorker accent.

"I thought you 'ere Italian," Dark mumbled, snuggled close to Ravio.

"Italian-American, and you get your filthy chav hands off my boy!"

"Shan't."

A muffled crash sounded, and the ground beneath them shook.

"Great, now we're gonna have to order another moon from Rosalina. Second time this year!" Onox grunted.

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

Everyone groaned, even CDi Link.

"I didn't get to have lunch; I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorock!"

The snap of light-switch sounded, as Zant towered over them all, religious-bowlcut, turtleneck and all.

"Luckily for you all, I always carry around and electric grill and a Yeti freezer with me in hammer-space at all times!"

Promptly, a thud sounded followed by Big the Cat's cry.

"I wish Mister Froggy was here... he left to get the milk when I was five." he sobbed.

"No worries pal, get a meal in you and you'll feel all better- oh look, some frog from thirteen years ago!"

Big howled, and Volga clamped his hands over his ears. Now he was sincerely wishing he'd go deaf.

"Psst, hey!" It was Cia. "Think he might have a mini-oven there too?"

"Oi Zant, any chance ya got a mini-oven too?" Volga outright screamed without thinking, like the absolute idiot he is.

"You betcha!"

This time, however, the oven fell on Volga, and knocked him out.

* * *

When he awoke, there was a little paper plate with what smelled like some pepperoni pizza and what felt like some cookies.

"Ya awake, mate?" Zant called.

Volga heaved himself up, taking care not to knock over his plate. To his surprise, the bunker was pretty much empty.

"How long was I out?" he said in that tone that all tough, burly men with motorcycles say when they've been awoken and find themselves in some rundown shack conveniently run by a conventionally attractive woman with full face make-up, silky hair and smooth skin despite being in the middle of an apocalypse-

"Five hours. The moon's laid waste to everything in a two-mile radius; awfully weak for a moon. Luckily, Rosalina's here with a backup. Unfortunately, Rosalina's here and Cia has run down the formally sealed up door to the rest of this incomplete dungeon- did I mention Our God-"

" _Your_  god," Volga grunted.

" _Our God_  started building this place seven years ago but stopped 'cause he got bored and instead reformed it into a bunker?"

"I wasn't there."

"Well I was. Now eat up your pizza and choccy-chip cookies- unfortunately Big threw up on the roast frog, so we had to resort to frozen pizza."

Just then, Cia came running out of the door, sweat beading down her forehead and platinum hair sticking to her skin, slammed it behind her and pushed the electric grill in front of it. All within just ten seconds!

"Forgot Armagohma and all her buddies live down there. Caught them playing strip-poker- I can never see King Bulbin the same way again!"

However, unfortunately for her, a set of heels came clacking down the stairs just then.

"Cia."

Despite never having met her, Volga's heart froze.

"You know what, I think I've got game of strip-poker with Argarok- cia~!"

"I won't be having any of that in  _my **Good Christian Household** **™!**_ " Rosalina hollered in a deep, booming voice, as she tucked up her skirts and ran after her.

After that was over with, Volga took a bite of his pizza. Cold. He attempted to breathe some fire on it, but he only ended up burning it. Great, burnt pizza. Zant promptly snatched the pizza out of his hand, and stuffed a cookie in its place.

"Just take the cookies, and come!"

For the third, fourth time this day, Volga was lead by the arm and out into the open, night air. And by open, I mean open. Volga may not have been able to see™, but he sure as hell felt the cold night air blowing from sides where brick walls had been. The place was a wasteland. The Hero of Time was attempting to play a shitty-fluted rendition of the Song of Time through his sobs while having a panic attack, before having it snatched away from him by his Zelda who was currently in her Sheik-getup.

Majora rose from the ashes, wide eyes blank as usual. Time put on the Fierce Deity's mask and made a dash for the demon, and attempted to pummel it to the ground. However, Majora retaliated with a sharp kick to the gut, having transformed into Majora's Wrath. Before long, there was a crowd circling around them. The overwhelming majority cheered for Link, and those who didn't were soon reminded that their homes had been destroyed by Majora, and joined in.

Just as Time was going to give the final blow, Demise himself rose from the rubble beneath them, donning a clean dressing-gown with mug of boiling hot coffee somehow not tainted by the debris in his hand.

"Oi, wass all-a dis?!" he bellowed... in a Scottish accent.

Everyone stared dumbfounded.

"What are yer all lookin' at? And where in Hylia's cursed name is me room?!"

Ghirahim gingerly climbed over the rubble, his clothes dirty and his makeup gone, and tapped Demise' shoulder.

"Well Master, um, you see the moon fell down and destroyed everything-"

"Ay, can see that much! Whaddya think I am, blind?"

Volga decided to take this as an insult and go in guns ablazing, despite Zant's attempts to restrain him. He ran up, taking care not to trip over the rubble, and lunged. And soon after, hit the ground.

"Anyhow," Demise continued, paying little heed to Volga cursing and attempting to drag him down by the ankles. "I wanna know which bugger did this."

In 0000.0001 nanoseconds, everyone pointed to Majora, even those in the far reaches of Nibelheim.

"Poor work Maj, expected more from yer," he tutted.

However, from the depths of the bunker, rose Rosalina, arm linked with King Bulbin's, followed by all the other bosses from Twilight Princess.

"Fear not," Rosalina cried.

"For we shall found a new, God-fearing city in the ashes of this sinful one," King Bulbin declared in the most stereotypical, southern, red-neck accent imaginable. "And with my bride-to-be, Lady Rosalina, I shall teach all the little children the ways of our Lord and Saviour- Chris Pratt!"

There was a silence. Immediately, Sheik threw Time the Ocarina- but alas, Twilight leapt up in wolf form, ran off, and tossed it into the river.

"There," Twilight said in a redneck accent, still a wolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA, LEFT YOU ALL ON A CLIFFHANGER! Could go ahead and and apologise for this being late, but let's be honest, it's always late. Anyhow, hope you all enjoy the first chapter of the year! u w u

**Author's Note:**

> This is an omen of things to come. Just you wait.


End file.
